The Mighty Zoftist Manual
 
Intro and Commandments
 
I have tried many times to create a zoftist page



I. Thou shalt not count thy toes.
II. Thou shalt not proggy.
III. Educators shall turn purple.
IV. When uttering the name of Zoftola, thou shalt say "slug bug red"
V. Thou shall put rubber things in baby baskets.
VI. Boing.
VII. Thou shall wear shorts as they were intended to be worn.
VIII. See Spot run. Run, Spot! Run!
IX. Thou shalt not compare Zoftola to large obscene land mammals. Slug bug red.
X. Thou shalt shave thy bowling like ball.
XI Moyrah like beans.
XII. On the third day thou shalt stay dead.
XIII. Vagabond cat make yex explain mischievous Styrofoam.
XIV. No matter what they may say, They are out to get you.
XV. Thou shalt not use Zoftola�s tooth brush in vain. Slug bug red.
XVI. Thou shalt not question Zoftola�s commandments. Slug bug red.
 
Calendar Of Holy Stuff
Genuinely-Hairy
1. New Ear�s Eve
2. New Ear�s Day (Also known that one holiday)
3. The-day-after New Ear�s
4. The-day-after-The-day-after New Ear�s
5. The-day-after-The-day-after-The-day-after-New Ear�s
6. Pig Day
7. Convenience Store Day.
8. The Birth of Elvis the Divine
9. The Day of Spontaneous Celebration
10. Hawaii 5-0 theme day
11. The Other Convenience Store Day
12. Yeah Op day
13. Zoftian Superglue Day.
14. Claw Like Day
15. Mouse Pad Day
16. Grab your pants Day
17. Eat you pants day
18. Love thy Dog Day
19. Never in a million years
20. Preslitarian Inoculation Day
21. Opposite Day
22. Inconvenience Day
23. All you need is Love.
24. Getting to know you.
25. Getting to know all about you.
26. Getting to eat you,
27. Getting to hope you eat me.
28. Morbid day
29. Freak-a-frog day
30. =+) have a nice day
31. =+( have a not-so-nice day

Salubriary
1. What do mean?
2. Day, by, Day
3. Just poo it.
4. As time goes by.
5. Holy anti-static spray day
6. Proton Day
7. Furry, rolling heads day
8. Golf frog day
9. Day of spontaneous pity
10. Gyre luck Day
11. Never say never!
12. Why? You just did!
13. Nuh-uh!!!
14. Day that makes everyone want to puke.
15. Covalent bonds day
16. Duck!!!!!!
17. Pez Day
18. Plastic thing Day
19. hydrocarbon Day
20. Sand in the hour glass day
21. The days our lives
22. St. Green Noodle Day
23. Why is Ben saint Green noodle?
24. Beats the -beep- out of me.
25. Sunrise
26. Sunset
27. Swiftly flow the years
28. Morbid day
29. The Seldom Day
30. The day that doesn�t exist

Walk
1. I�m Singin� in the Rain
2. Just singin� in the rain
3. What a glorious feelin�
4. I�m happy again
5. Gene Kelly Day
6. I forgot! day
7. Electron Day
8. Day of composure
9. Day of spontaneous consumption
10. Santa Claus�s Birthday
11. The Birth of St. Stuffanie and Stuff
12. Day of lack of composure
13. Elephant Day
14. Non-elephant Day
15. Activate your card day
16. The day after yesterday
17. St. Hamburger Patty�s Day
18. Shall we dance?
19. Bum Bum Bum
20. On a cloud of music shall we fly?
21. Bum Bum Bum
22. Shall we dance?
23. Bum Bum Bum
24. Shall we then say goodnight and mean good-bye?
25. Moyrah like beans
26. Mary had a little lamb
27. And a side order of fries
28. Morbid day
29. Be yourself! No one else is qualified
30. Have Fun! Drink Pepsi.
31. You can fool some of the people all of the time, they are called men.

Apricot
1. Revenge of the Nerds
2. There is no business like
3. Show business like
4. No business I know
5. Have Drink.
6. He drinks the whiskey drink.
7. He drinks the vodka drink
8. He drinks the lager drink
9. He drinks the cider drink
10. He sings the songs remind him of the good times
11. He sings the songs remind him of the best times
12. I get knocked down
13. but I get up again
14. And you�re never
15. Never gonna keep me down
16. Doodle Day
17. Rock on with your bad self
18. Ro-ha-ha-ha-ha-hock on
19. Wilkomen, beinvenue, welcome, come-on in
20. Pot Day
21. Nosotros necesitamos encontrar una cabra honorable
22. Honorary Goat Shaving Day
23. Day of Spontaneous sacrifices
24. A-wop-bompa-lo-bomp-a-womp-bam-boo
25. Tooty fruity
26. oh rudy
27. WOOOO
28. Morbid day
29. Hemplonian Festival
30. Hang Over Day

Maybe
1. Maybe it will be May day, Maybe not
2. Pillbox Day
3. Yawn Today
4. Next Rock on with your bad self
5. Cinco de Tal Bez
6. Generic Day
7. Glitter Day
8. La vista de tu madre tiene no fin.
9. Day of Spontaneous Blenders
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
21. Day of Yahtzee
22.
23.
24. St. Villain Boy Day
25. St. Hero Boy Day
26. Hero boy victory celebration Day
27. Hang over day
28. Morbid day
29.
30.
31. This Maybe 32.

The Month formally know as June
1.
2.
3.
4. Day of Hunt and peck
5. Day of Jewel Cases
6. Day of the Dead Psychedelic Munk
7. Day of Incoherency.
8. SFKA HarfleDarfle Youth Group experience
9. Day of Spontaneous Frogs
10. Is that bugginginging you? Day
11. The Day of Liberation.
12. The Day of Freedom
13. The next day of Freedom
14. Cool MST3000 Day
15. Ben Stiller Show Day
16. Remember, Elvis rox day
17. Don�t forget, Clare Rox day
18. Birth of the saint formally know as St. HarfleDarfle
19. Wasn�t SFKA HarfleDarfle B-Day fun?
20. It sure was fun!
21. Yeah, we had a great time! (AKA St. Moo)
22. Can�t wait for next year!
23. Running gag day.
24. The Day that has nothing to do Elvis as far SFKA HarfleDarfle knows
25. What�s love got to do with it?
26. Absolutely nothing
27. AC �s Shift day
28. Morbid day
29. Mmm, I am thinking Day
30. Long-lasting Chewable Freshness

Don�t Lie
1. safely eat stuff day
2. Dangerously eat stuff day.
3. Pyro Day
4. Loyalist Day
5. Puffs Day
6. Kleenex Day
7. Generic Facial Tissue day
8. Was m�chest du, bitte?
9. Day of spontaneous conception.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15. Have a piano fall on you day.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
21.
22.
23.
24.
25. Zoftmas
26.
27.
28. Morbid day
29.
30.
31.

I guessed
1. NONONONONONO
2.
3.
4.
5.
6. SPAM eve
7. SPAM
8. Head Dead-head Dead day
9. Day of Spontaneous Evaporation
10. Ugh, Zacky, what�s tomorrow?
11. Computer Day
12. Ridiculous Arguing Day
13. Good thing it�s not Friday!
14. Don�t you want me baby?
15. Third Eye Blind day
16. It�s worse that, He�s dead, Jim.
17. Don�t you want no-o-o-o-w-w?
18. Um, no?
19. Trip day and the library books are due.
20. Tess�s Cool
21. Nobody�s cool.
22. Nuh-huh
23. Uh-huh
24. Nuh-huh
25. Uh-huh
26. Next ridiculous arguing day
27. Burp-squeeze day
28. Morbid day
29. Joan Osborne Day
30. You are totally confusing me.
31. I was right!

September
1. Where those darn cowboys go?
2. Mary Anne�s Birthday
3. The last day of freedom!
4. Back to f*cking school
5. Daddy cussed day.
6. Smoggle frog.
7. "Scuse me while I kiss this Guy.
8. Headline news Day
9. Day of Spontaneous Pickle
10. It�s Christmas at Ground zero!
11. Every where the atom bombs are dropin�.
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
21. Day of the sacred trombone.
22.
23.
24.
25.
26.
27.
28. Morbid day
29.
30. The Birth of St. Air Conditioning


Lumber Jack
1.
2.
3.
4. Pancake Day
5.
6.
7.
8.
9. Day of Spontaneous Combustion
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15. Got Milk
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
21.
22.
23.
24.
25.
26.
27.
28. Morbid Day
29.
30.
31. Day of Stuff

June
1. All Hallowed Hemorrhoid Day
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7. Laugh hysterically day
8. OSU day
9. Day of Spontaneous Delusions
10. Day of corners
11. St. Stoned Stuff
12. Day of the B.O.B. Militia
13. Day of conversion
14. Day of the zoftist S.W.A.T. team
15. Day of M*A*S*H
16. Jelly Bean Day
17. befriend a hamster day
18. For hamsters need love, too.
19. A very merry un-birthday
20. Bite the Wax Tadpole day.
21. Get your printer work day
22. If it�s not broken you probably can still fix it.
23. Just-a-day day
24. Huh?
25. I don�t get it!!
26. Blonde day
27. Revenge of the Nerds III
28. Morbid day
29.
30.

Dismember
1. Day of the paraplegic
2. Jamesianity= Insanity
3. Insanity rocks Day
4. Day of other stuff
5. Get to gether Ya Ya Ya
6. Were not home!
7. Jumping Jahosiphat!
8. Day of Jeffrey Domer
9. Day of Spontaneous Decomposition
10. Q
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19. Honorary Idiot Day
20.
21.
22.
23.
24.
25.
26.
27.
28. Morbid day
29.
30.
31. The Day before New Ear�s Eve
 
STORIES OF THE ZOFT
Long ago when humans were even more stupid than they are now, St. Air Conditioning, St. HarfleDarfle, St. Moof, St. Hero Boy, St. St. Stoned Stuff, St. Green Noodle, St. Lainsterdam, St. Spamrock and some lesser saints ruled over the inferior humans.
The saints were kind to the subordinate humans, and paid the respect was due to them. Unfortunately, that level of respect was so incredibly low that when Zoftola, slug bug red, found out, she was angered.
"How could you be so disrespectful to any of My creations, not to mention your pupils??" demanded the wrathful Goddess.
"Oh holy Mother, we love your creations and pay homage to them all, but how can we respect any creature that created Country Music?" pleaded the frightened Saints. Still, Zoftola, slug bug red, would not be calmed.
The saints quaked in terror of the enraged Goddess, except of course for St. Air Conditioning who kept her cool.
"Oh holy Mother, could you mayhaps, give us reason to respect the humans?" reasoned St. AC as sweetly as possible for any being, mortal or otherwise.
"Well I suppose I could give them a little intelligence, maybe even a little artistic and aesthetic taste!" Soon the Goddess was enveloped with thought and went back to her chateau to think of how to improve these shallow humans.
The next morning, things were much improved and the earthlings began the renaissance. Finally, the saints could respect them at least as much as The Cow of Jamesianity.



THE ORIGIN OF THE SAINTS
Long ago there was only a hot desert and Zoftola, slug bug red. Soon, Zoftola, slug bug red, became bored of making sand castles and sun bathing, and so she created the Dog (a stupid animal which does not realize that if you throw a stick off into the distance, you didn�t want it back. If we had, we would have made boomerangs). Soon She grew tired of the Dog�s incessant whining for food and created the Cow to feed it. But the cow ran away to some other origin story and She had to create the Pig (a fat, dry animal that is fun to tease). The Dog and the Pig multiplied by asexual reproduction until the offspring mutated to a male of the species and sexual reproduction could commence. Thus, the innuendo was born. Unfortunately, the Dogs and the Pigs did not understand them, so Zoftola, slug bug red, created St. HarfleDarfle and named her woman. For many centuries The Goddess lived with her Dogs and her Pigs and her beloved friend until St. HarfleDarfle asked for a species to rule over. St. Green Noodle was born and named Man (because the Man was not quite as awe inspiring as Woman and did not make you think "Whoa!"). From that day on, all Zoftian Women ruled over men.
In the desert it was very hot and soon both Man and Woman were begging for AC. St. Air Conditioning was born. She became the ruler on earth when Zoftola went to her Chateau, because she had a cool head. St. Air Conditioning was the given the power to create one species of her own. She created humans. She was also give the power to make any of the immortal (now called �bring to sainthood�).
In the following centuries many Saints were brought from the humans: St. Moof, St. Hero Boy, St. St. Stoned Stuff, St. Lainsterdam, St. Spamrock and some lesser saints not important enough to be mentioned.


THE STORY OF ST. MOOF AND ST. SPAMROCK
A young boy, named Jarrod was walking through the forest of AC when he found the Saints around a table playing cards. They were disturbed to see him, because the were playing a saintly game, known only to the most important of the Zoftist leaders. It was a very simple game and he soon caught on. So they made him a saint as well and swore him to secrecy. I know it�s a dumb story but it�s the truth.
Because St. Moof was such a disappointing saint, St. Spamrock was brought to Sainthood because she was really cool, a good leader, and deserved immortality.


THE STORY OF SAINT HERO BOY, NEEL THE UNFORTUNATE AND ST. LAINSTERDAM
Long ago there was a great pestilence upon the land and St. Air Conditioning was unsure what to do. She was very afraid to ask the Goddess, our Lady for help, because she was failing as a leader and beginning to loose her cool. She needed to find a Hero. She called a meeting of the principle saints and told them of her problem. They then went to their homelands to find a hero. It didn�t matter if the Hero could actually do anything as long as he seemed Heroic.
St. Spamrock brought forth Neel. He had no title in those days, and he was put to a test to gain him one. "You must go to the cave of Caer Bennog and fight the evil monster at the mouth. Travel through the cave to the gorge of eternal peril, and answer the three questions of the bridge keeper of the Bridge of Death." Instructed St. Air Conditioning.
This wasn�t too hard for a Hero so Neel set out on his quest. He reached the cave all right, but unfortunately the monster at the mouth chewed off both legs, and it look as though his quest would end. However, Zoftola, slug bug red, took pity on him and healed him. He traveled on to gorge of eternal peril, unfortunately he was so scared he wet himself, and once again it looked like his quest would end, but he found clean pants and continued on to the Bridge of Death. Unfortunately, he answered all the questions wrong and he--
Neel: That�s it I quit!!!
That is how Neel has come to be known as Neel the Unfortunate.
From St. Moof�s hometown came Lainee, but she was too smart to go off on some wild goose chase and immediately demanded sainthood and her own town. St. Air Conditioning admired Lainee�s spunk and renamed her St. Lainsterdam and gave her a city in Holland.
The final contestant was named James (charming fellow but a bit of a megalomaniac). He easily maneuvered past all the dangers and won the day as a proper hero should. The problem came when trying to name the boy.
"I say we name him St. Hero," declared St. Moof. Everyone else nayed the idea on the grounds that it made him sound like a sandwich.
"I say we name him James the Hero," declared St. Spamrock.
"But he must be a saint!" protested St. AC.
"Ok how about St. James?" another suggested.
"But the Hero boy needs a proper name. Not something Catholic." A voice sounded from across the card table.
"Say, that�s not bad!" exclaimed St. Air Conditioning. "Hey, James, what do you think of St. Hero Boy? Do you like it?"
"No," replied James meekly.
"I knew you�d love it. Now come and sit among us, you are a saint now."


THE STORY OF ST. ANONYMOUS.
One day, the important Saints were going on a road trip to Zoftola�s, slug bug red, chateau. The piled into the holy VW bus and eased on down the road. The Van was filled with song and merriment. ("St., HarfleDarfle?" "Yeah?" "Remind me to find a saint or two that can carry a tune.")
They stopped at a rest stop and St. Air Conditioning took a head count on their way back to the bus. "6...7...8...9?" St. AC was puzzled. "Wait, nine? There should only be eight. Come back out here and sound off."
"St. Spamrock."
"St. Moof."
"St. Hero Boy."
"St. Lainsterdam."
"St. Moof."
"St. Stoned stuff."
"St. HarfleDarfle."
"St. Green Noodle."
"And St. Air Conditioning makes nine," she scanned the crowd and a unfamiliar face appeared. "Who are you and what are you doing with the Saints of Zoftola, slug bug red?
"I am St. Anonymous."
"Well, what are you doing here?"
"This is a trip for the principle saints, is it not?"
"It is, so?"
"I am St. Anonymous."
"Oh, Ok." So the new Saint took his place among the others and was welcomed as any new saint would be, and they continued to the Chateau.




THE STORY OF ST. TUNELUPHAGUS, AND ST. MONOPHONOPOLIS
The saints had decided to find a tenth saint to add to their ranks, they wanted a nice round number. All went home to find candidates for the open place. As it turned out there were more than one eligible saints.
St. Spamrock brought a girl who could attract the attention of any male in the vicinity. This was a skill indeed and she was almost chosen, but the male saints were not an exception to her talent, so she was put on hold until another story.
St. Anonymous brought someone unnamed, with many talents befitting a saint. So, they quietly named him St. Not-appearing-in-this story, and continued the search.
St. Moof brought a banana, a very good banana. It was really too bad that St. Air Conditioning�s powers only pertained to humans and the banana had to die like every other one like it.
St. Green Noodle brought some pasta, so they ate dinner and continued the search.
St. Lainsterdam believed that searching for another saint was tiresome, and useless and went home to take a nap.
St. Hero Boy was out with a cold.
St. HarfleDarfle brought a boy who was perfectly worthy, unfortunately so did St. Air Conditioning. (Later on they discovered that they both had gone to the same sale and The Bon Marche to find the candidates). St. HarfleDarfle decided that they had to fight it out amongst themselves and a Holy killing was in order, but St. Air Conditioning vetoed that idea. She decided two alive saints were better than one dead and one alive. St. HarfleDarfle disagreed, but St. Air Conditioning was in charge. They were named St. Tuneluphagus and St. Monophonopolis.


WOODWINDS VERSUS BRASS
"Woodwinds!"
"Brass!!"
"WOODWINDS!!!"
"BRASS!!!!"
"WOOD-"
"Ladies! Please! What are you arguing about?" said St. Air Conditioning one morning when she found St. Lainsterdam and St. Spamrock arguing. A group had been split and some saints were on each side adding to the din. To the side behind St. Lainsterdam was St. Anonymous (although he was hiding), St. Stoned stuff, and St. Green Noodle. To the side behind St. Spamrock was St. Hero Boy, St. Moof, and St. Monophonopolis.
"What is going on here?" St. Air Conditioning was aghast at how easily her most trusted friends and colleagues were at one another�s throats.
St. Spamrock answered first. "St. Lainsterdam says that woodwinds are better than brass, when we all know BRASS RULES!!!!!!!" There were several shouts of agreement on her side, and several shouts of disagreement on St. Lainsterdam�s side.
"No, I think we all know woodwinds reign supreme," countered St. Lainsterdam. Once again, there were shouts to express their take on the matter.
The crowd began to chant "Brass rules!" or "Woodwinds rule!"
"People, please contain yourselves!" St. Air Conditioning cried above the noise, "Maybe we could take a vote?" All looked around and counted themselves.
"You would tip the balance one way or the other. What�s it gonna be?" some one called from the crowd.
St. Air Conditioning was in a fix. She couldn�t take one side in fear of the other turning on her. "I pick..." Sixteen eyes focused on her. "No."
The other saints were stunned. "Huh?" They didn�t know what was happening. Had brass won? Woodwinds?
Once again, St. Spamrock was the first to speak, "What do you mean �No�?"
"I won�t vote."
"Then we win be default!" shouted St. Spamrock.
"Nuh-huh! We do!" St. Lainsterdam was not beaten easily.
The feud started anew. Shouts of anger and rage echoed through the Forest of the saints.
"Stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" It had happened, St. Air Conditioning had lost her cool. "You don�t care about the instruments, or the music, or even if it�s a matter of opinion! You only care about being right, about not backing down, well I�m sick of it, hear me? I am sick of it! I didn�t vote because neither is better, what do you think of that!?!? I am leaving, come get me when you can resolve you differences." With that, she disappeared.
"Wear did she go?" the all asked. But, none of them could answer, for she had pulled a lorax.


THE STORY OF ST. NUTMEG, THE MATRON SAINT OF BAKING SPICES, ST. SHORT STUFF, AND THE RETURN OF ST. AIR CONDITIONING.

In the time St. Air Conditioning was away, St. HarfleDarfle took over as editor and chief (seniority thing). Things were far from easy with a leader such as this, St. HarfleDarfle was much insane. One morning when she had created Stone Henge just to mess up the humans, the other principle saints called a secret meeting.
"Psst! You got the stuff?" Whispered St. Stoned Stuff.
"Wrong secret meeting, you twit!" Hissed St. Lainsterdam.
"Shhh! You two stop bickering!" St. Spamrock snarled.
"Who died and made YOU boss?"
"St. Air Conditioning!"
"She isn�t dead!!"
"Well, she always liked me best!"
"Yeah right!..."
"Would you two stop it??" Commanded a new voice. "It was your bickering that caused this mess in the first place!!!!"
"Who are you?" Asked St. Spamrock and St. Lainsterdam together.
"What do you care? All you care about is your own petty arguments, while your holy leader is off to Goddess knows where."
That one stung in all the saints hearts. They loved St. Air Conditioning and she loved them, still they were acting like.....like....HUMANS!!!!!!
"That�s right, I see it on all your faces, you are! You are acting like mortals. All of you here (save St. Green Noodle) were chosen to be here by St. Air Conditioning . She trusted you, respected you, gave her entire existence to Zoftism. All she ever did was supervise, and teach you how to be saints. Show a little appreciation. For crying out loud!"
"I know that lecturing tone!!!" Yelled St. Lainsterdam. "Megan? Is that you? Is that really you?" St. Lainsterdam�s eyes lit up as she recognized her long lost friend. "What are you doing here?"
"Lainee? You were chosen by St. Air Conditioning? I am not surprised. You were behind this, weren�t you?"
"How did you know?"
"I know you, I know your nature, I know that you like to make trouble, and what better way, than with the power of an immortal?"
Once again, St. Lainsterdam was abashed, but this time, she glinted with pride at the edges. That was her nature, and that is why she was in a position of power.
Megan, turning to St. Spamrock continued. "And you, little demon! You are as much at fault as St. Lainsterdam. You two are friends, what does it matter what instrument you play?? It takes all kinds to make up the orchestra, and I personally think strings are better, although I play a woodwind. You have all types among you. Clarinet, trumpet, trombone, cornet, saxophone, and if you ever get St. Air Conditioning back, piano."
"That won�t ever happen," muttered St. Hero Boy.
"Live up to up to your name, St. Hero Boy!!! If we ever needed a hero, we do now!"
"But I can�t actually do anything, I just seem heroic.�
"That�s true, you are just a male after all."
All the �y� chromosome-carriers looked downcast.
"Who would know where to start looking for St. Air Conditioning ?" asked St. Monophonopolis in an attempt to regain the face of his gender.
"I know!" called St. Tuneluphagus, following St. Monophonopolis� example. "St. HarfleDarfle! They have been friends for longer than anyone! (literally!!)"
"We can�t ask that kooky!" said several of the female saints, creating the potential for a gender brawl, "She kill us all for mutiny!"
"Well, not if we ask right. I know her best after all." Countered St. Green Noodle.
"What do you know? You are just a man!" sneered St. Spamrock, finding her voice once again.
"Hey! Hey! Cool it! Zoftola, slug bug red, created us equal, remember?" spoke up St. Anonymous. This was the voice of reason, because no one was sure whether St. Anonymous was male or female. (Well, not REALLY the voice of reason, it was the voice of St. Anonymous. Reason was on vacation while Congress was in session.)
"You peoples....." muttered Megan.
"Hey! Watch it! You are just a mortal, I could snap your neck in a second!" A new voice rose above the bickering.
"St. HarfleDarfle! Hi! Heh, heh." Some of the less courageous saints stuttered.
"Where is St. Air Conditioning?" Demanded St. Spamrock.
"Be careful my friend, your immortality was a gift, it can be taken away." Warned the old, wise saint.
"We were told you knew where she was," the more level headed St. Hero Boy stated evenly.
"What makes you say that?" St. HarfleDarfle raised one eyebrow. A hint of ancient knowledge peaked across her face.
"St. Tuneluphagus thought that you, being her oldest friend, would know where to find her." Piped St. Lainsterdam in her half out-going, half shy manner. They were all clearly quite afraid of St. HarfleDarfle. And with reason, too. She was the most powerful being tied only with St. Air Conditioning, short of our Lady herself. She had the power to leave them all in the depths of hell (a.k.a. Middle School). And in her present state, with out St. Air Conditioning�s cool head to regulate her, well, she had tipped.
"I am not insane, you know." St. HarfleDarfle said in the loudest, quiet voice any of them had ever heard. (Either that or the quietest loud voice, I fail to recall which). "Yes, I was much worse off when St. Air Conditioning left. She was my friend. I loved her dearly, but not queerly, and I will miss her as long as she is gone. But I am not insane. Merely....different." With this she gave a little chuckle at a joke no one else understood. "Yes, I know where you can find her, but you must find her without my help. Call it....punitive services..." And again she chuckled. "I will give you a clue, I so love riddles. Think of our conversation, it was a �hot topic� indeed, without our departed friend�s skills." Once again she chuckled, and disappeared in to a puff of smoke.
The others shivered and gasped in awe. "Those meetings with David Copperfield sure paid off," mumbled St. Lainsterdam.
The only questions answered by the little performance by St. HarfleDarfle were ones toward her mental health. Do immortals become senile? Of course not, St. Air Conditioning wasn�t senile, and she was almost as old as St. HarfleDarfle, right? There wasn�t that much time between the creation of innuendoes and artificial cooling, was there? Of course none present could answer these questions, for St. Green Noodle was out in the lobby for a smoke at the time. ("Psst! Hey you! Yeah you reader! Smoking stinks and it kills you, so don�t even think about it, unless YOU have been endowed with immortality! And a really good breath mint!")
There were so many ways that St. Air Conditioning could have gone, and even more places to go to. With the clue of a madwoman and heavy hearts, they split into three teams of three: The first team was contrived of St. Tuneluphagus, St. Lainsterdam, and St. Stoned Stuff. The second team was St. Spamrock, St. Green Noodle and St. Monophonopolis. The third was St. Hero Boy, St. Anonymous, and St. Moof. Team captains were chosen (St. Lainsterdam, St. Spamrock, and St. Hero Boy), and they were on there way.
St. Lainsterdam�s group decided that they should look in the places they felt St. Air Conditioning belonged. They started with the ruins in Athens. They figured a religious leader would belong with monuments to other religious leaders.
St. Spamrock�s group decided to just look, everywhere, leave no stone unturned. They started with Easter Island and began to ask the local statues if they had seen St. Air Conditioning. They had no news, which may be good, and gave some human sacrifice to the statues. They then continued on to Russia to look for the prodigal saint.
Meanwhile, St. Hero Boy, (although a male) made a better choice. He and his teammates decided to try to analyze the "clue" St. HarfleDarfle gave them, while the others wrote it off as ravings.
"�Hot topic� �Hot Topic� What could that mean?" St. Hero Boy questioned his companions, and the world at the same time.
"Perhaps a debated issue?" Volunteered St. Anonymous, this was no time to worry about self-conscienceness.
"Yes! Perhaps! How would that fit in?" St. Moof bounced.
"A news show perhaps???"
"No, no, I watch the news every night, if a neo-omnipotent being went there, it would be much more interesting."
"A debate class? At a high school?"
"It is worth a try."
So they trekked to the nearest high school, and asked about enrolling in debate classes. They checked eight schools until they even found a class. After a series of failed attempts to talk to the teacher, they got a hold of the information they needed, only to find no St. Air Conditioning. They were sadden.
The first group had hiked all across Europe before they would admit she wasn�t there either. And with no system, the second group was getting no where fast. They all decided to regroup at the forest of the saints, only to be revisited by there illustrious elder.
"Not having any luck, eh? That is real tough. Perhaps my clue was too broad. I shall attempt to help you: I say what I mean, and I mean what I say." With this, she folded up into a sheet of paper and fell down a rabbit hole that had just appeared.
"She has been reading too much Lewis Carroll." Mentioned St. Stoned Stuff, sober at this serious time.
"Well, I think St. Hero Boy was on the right track, trying to figure out the meaning of her riddle." St. Spamrock said this painfully, but she acknowledged St. Hero Boy�s genus for once, for that is all he could get (and as the recorder of these stories, I can guarantee that.)
"�Well,� she said �I will give you a clue, I so love riddles. Think of our conversation, it was a �hot topic� indeed, without our departed friend�s skills� What could that mean? Then she said �Not having any luck, eh? That is real tough. Perhaps my clue was too broad. I shall attempt to help you: I say what I mean, and I mean what I say� What does that mean?" St. Spamrock started the ball rolling.
"Well, the last part, maybe she meant it literally, A thing called �Hot Topic�...." put in Megan, still with them.
"....Or a place?" followed St. Lainsterdam, and with that, a quiet chuckle rumbled in the room.
"I think we can take that as a �yes�." Said St. Spamrock. "Now what is �Hot Topic�?"
They were unsure of how to continue, until a word of wisdom came from the mortal.
"Do you guys have a Zoft-Powered Yellow Pages?"
"Hey!!! Yes! We do! The Holy Book of phone numbers! All we have to do is look up phone numbers for places called �Hot topic�!!!"
"Yes! We�ll will get it." And several young saint attendants ran to fetch the giant tomes. They dragged and pulled, and pulled and dragged. They opened the dusty cover open and flipped (as well as you can flip 12� by 12� pages) to the "h" section. When they had finally made it to the �Hot Topic" list, they were immediately crestfallen. There were literally thousands of "hot topics"! They were at a impasse, seeing as the long distance rates from the forest of the saints was incredibly high.
"Well," said St. Anonymous. "I suppose that we could try and eliminate some of the names."
"That is a great idea! Who said that?" called the other saints. But of course St. Anonymous did not take credit for his brilliance.
The saints adapted a strong work ethic and began to eliminate names. They worked for hours upon hours, discussing the ones that puzzled them and worked well in to the next time period. When they were done, they were down to five "hot topics."
"Well, I suppose we could split into teams of two, if you help us Megan."
Megan was delighted. "I would be honored!!!!!!"
So teams were formed: St. Moof and St. Green Noodle, St. Spamrock and St. Stoned Stuff, St. Tuneluphagus and St. Monophonopolis, and St. Lainsterdam went with Megan. They each went to a specific "Hot topic"
St. Moof and St. Green Noodle were on there way to there �hot topic" when the St. Moof spied a dead banana and had to go morn it�s passing.
St. Spamrock and St. Stoned Stuff were fine until St. Stoned found some bad weed and got so high that she was cast orbit.
St. Tune and St. Moon went to the �hot topic� at Clackamas Town Center, but no leader was to be found.
The ones with luck were St. Lainsterdam and Megan. Their destination was The "Hot Topic" at Lloyd Center. They looked through the Gothic shop, and found St. Air Conditioning looking at mushroom air fresheners.
"There you are! I wondered when you would get here!" St. Air Conditioning did not even look at her fellow saint, but continued looking at the blood candles.
"You knew we were coming? But how?" St. Lainsterdam was confused.
Once again she did not look up and ignored her question. "What is your impression of St. HarfleDarfle?"
"She is insane."
"Good, she played her part well."
"What?"
"And you, Megan, you did well, too."
"Thanks, St. Air Conditioning, I tried," Megan looked pleased with the comment, and lowered her eyes in respect.
"I trust none of them knew I sent you?"
"None at all, they were completely fooled."
"Good, good."
"And Ashley? How did she do?"
"None of them saw her, she was a excellent choice for courier."
"There will be sainthood in this for both of you, you know this?"
"I didn�t, but I do now, and I thank you."
St. Lainsterdam had been out of it and confused. Finally, she spoke up. "What? This whole thing was a plot? To mess with our heads?? Why? Why did you do this???"
"Why? Why? Ha ha! Your ignorance amuses me." St. HarfleDarfle had just appeared.
"HarfleDarfle, watch it! Even your authority has limits, I am one of them." Warned the younger saint. "I will explain when every one is together." And with a "Whomp babaloomp bomp, whomp bamp boo" They were all together in the forest of the saints.
"I didn�t know you knew how to teleport!" Exclaimed St. Spamrock.
"Learned it from Star Trek. Now, I was just about to tell you all about your recent quest. You had become weak, petty and very much like mortals..." at this many saints stiffened in indignation and shame. "...I needed a ploy to pull you together in a way you had never been joined before, as a rededication. You will see it worked. Your last major or minor argument was at the construction of Stone Hinge. You have been joined again, as friends, as colleagues, as siblings. Can you look upon one another and say �I don�t love you�? Try it, I promise you it will be difficult. This elaborate ploy was not only useful, but I was also able to hit all the best sales of the last century. I have been shopping for the last one hundred years. I need to thank four people for helping me; You did not see Ashley, she was my courier. Ashley, I dub you St. Short Stuff." With that, a tiny person appeared, beaming. "And Megan, my mole. I dub you St. NutMeg, the matron Saint if baking spices. Third I thank St. HarfleDarfle, you are already a saint, and therefore not in need of my power, but I do have a gift for you...a name change: St. HarfleDarfle, you are now the Saint formally known as HarfleDarfle. It is a proud title, I suggest you wear it as such."
"Who is the forth?" they all asked.
"Why! Zoftola, slug bug red, of course! None of this would have any meaning with out her" And with that, they all went out and got drunk.
 
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